Not a day goes by when our laughable bunch of stooges, otherwise known as The Republican Candidates of 2012, come up with something just darling to share with the rest of the world. Though we’ve all loved to follow the gems that spill from Michelle Bachmann’s lips, you must admit that each and every candidate is special in his own way.

Why, just this week, we’ve heard old Newt Gingrich, a man as charming as his amphibious moniker, say that not only are food stamps and “African American issue,” but that he has no clue as to why that statement might be insulting in the first place! Oh, Newt, how you make me chortle like a red state voter watching Deliverance. And just this week your ex-wife also revealed that you are a garbage nightmare, and that you have rotten walnuts where your decency should be! Ouch. That’s gotta hurt, Newt, especially when you asked her for an open marriage and everything. Your Republican fans should love how much you stand up for the sanctity of your own marriage.

Then, of course, there is the Rick Santorum staffer who says that women have no place in the White House because it’s “against God’s will.” While the words didn’t come from Santorum himself, I am pretty sure that completely agrees with them—since, you know, he doesn’t think that women are much more than mindless breeders who should be controlled by the government rather than their own decisions. Yay! Of course, all of the cheerful faces lined up to be Republican nominees feel this way, so it’s not really that remarkable.

And while it’s not a candidate remark, I have to share the jovial fact that the Ron Paul supporters I know—and they are many!—believe that A. he had nothing to do with the racist and homophobic comments published in his newsletter (because, of course, if your name is on something, it doesn’t mean you endorse it!) and that B. though he’s against abortion, he won’t produce anti-choice laws because he says it’s up to the states—which, by the way, have been chiseling away at Roe over the past year like there’s no tomorrow.

There you have it—the fun bunch of bigoted, sexist old men stuck in the 50s who hope to take our country back in time with them, and the geniuses who want them elected!